<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>If This Is What You Want by SleepyAvril</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24179326">If This Is What You Want</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyAvril/pseuds/SleepyAvril'>SleepyAvril</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bad Ending, F/F, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, Lucifer Possessing Sam Winchester, Major Character Injury</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:09:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,938</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24179326</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyAvril/pseuds/SleepyAvril</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. I t bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never end.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Lucifer (Supernatural), Kevin Tran/Dean Winchester, Lucifer/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If This Is What You Want</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is the second time for me to write a fanfic and first time in English so please ignore my spelling and grammar mistakes.As a student in seventh grade I promise I'm doing my best😂My Twitter account is Avril1128_ If u want to find me，send me a message and I will be really appreciate if i can give me some advices☺️</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Seriously，brother？”Lucifer once again use the silver knife cut through  Castiel's chest in the slowest way it can possibly be as the devil himself walk around the empty dungeon and eventually stops in front of the angel.Well，at least he used to be an angel.The devil thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>  Castiel is being tied on a chair.The blood runs down through Castiel's wound，his shirt is covered in blood. The ex—angel can hardly breathe，he's body started to shake violently because of the unbearable pain.He close his eyes，suffering in silence.</p><p> </p><p>  Is it worth it？ He asks himself.Why he is the one who always sacrifice？He rebelled heaven，he is haunted，he dies again and again，all for the Winchesters.How did it turn out？Sam Winchester said yes to Lucifer，and Dean？</p><p> </p><p>He is so desperate for losing his brother，he doesn't care about anything.He hates Castiel，hates him because he is useless.And he started to blame him for everything. The apocalyptic，what happened to Sam....Without the angel grace，Cas is nothing to Dean Winchester. “God should have sent a stronger angel to protect us，instead of a burden. For everything we have suffered，are his fault， and he should be the one who pays us back”When Dean is drunk，he often say it in front of all the crowd just to humiliate Castiel.He is despised by everyone. It is completely reasonable for Cas to hate the hunter after everything he has done to him，but he just can't.After all of these nasty days，he still loves him.But this love hurts too much，it is destroying him.</p><p> </p><p>At first，when Castiel fist became a human，he was scared.Scared to face those complicated feelings.Every single night，he has terrible nightmares of him being tortured by Dean.He uses his bare hand and rip his heart out slowly.No better how hard Castie begs，how loud he screams，Dean doesn't care.He is just staring at the angel's beautiful ocean eyes and watch him suffer.Those dreams feel so real that Castiel can sense the pain.When he finally wakes up sweaty，he always curled up in the corner of the bed and starts to cry silently.He must take as many painkillers as it can be，his body is burning.Tears streamed down from his face，he tries not to make any noise because if Dean finds out，he will once again kick his stomache till he can hardly sense the ex—angel's breath.Castiel is no more than a pet that Dean can release his anger whenever he wants and wherever he wants. Cas thinks he deserves this. He doesn't blame Dean，not even once. He loses Bobby，Jo，Alan，Sam，everyone he has ever cared，except Castiel.So even if Dean is bits him hard till he nearly dies，he didn't ask him to stop.He just undertake his pain on his own. No matter what happened，no matter whose fault is it. That's why he started to rely on drugs. It can helps him to feel vaguely conscious，he doesn't want to be awake. Because that only makes him more painful.Castiel needs to take a lot of painkillers everyday，it will eventually kills him but he doesn't care. No one cares whether he is hurts or not.</p><p> </p><p>So even if now he is captured by Lucifer，it doesn't matter.“What do you want from me？”Castiel asks，trying not to make his voice sounds shakey.He is not  afraid of his brother，he is pretty sure the knife that Lucifer just used to cut him is covered with poison.When he was an angel，it won't hurt him at all，but now he is a human，human is weak.Cas feels his wounld is burning and he is definitely having a bad fever.</p><p> </p><p>“Well，very simple.”The prince of hell answers.“You give me the location of Dean Winchester，or，to use my favourite way.I'm going to use you as a bait. Meanwhile，I'll make you wish you were died.”He smiled. Castiel stares at him，the smile makes him sick. He used to be Sam. He doen't know whether Sam is even fighting aginst Lucifer or he has already gives up.“Bite me”Cas didn't hesitate. At least this is the last thing he can do for Dean Winchester.“Oh，that's the second way then.Trust me my dear，I will”Lucifer isn't suprised at all. “Dean Winchester doen't care about me.He definitely won't risk his life to save me”Castiel mocked Lucifer.He is telling the truth.“Well，then I have to ask him on my own don't I？”The devil take out Cas's phone from his pocket，he open it and find “Dean Winchester”from the top list，the he dialed the number.</p><p> </p><p>  “Cas？Where the hell are you？”Dean sounds pissed off. “Hey Dean~I've heard you've been looking for me.You see，I have your little angel now，and he is obviouly dying.Hmmmm so if you want to save him，you'd better come here alone before it's too late.”Cas doesn't know deep inside， whether he really wants Dean come or not.The wound is getting worse，he will die soon.</p><p> </p><p>  “Kill him”The voice says，peacefully.Castiel brings a wry smile with tears in his eyes.If that's what Dean wants，then he is ok with it.“Do you think I won't？”The devil is shocked.Guess that angel isn't liying.“On contrary，I'm quite serious about this.Kill him if you want.”This is much more painful than he is being tortured by Lucifer.Dean's words are like sharp knives stabbing into Cas's heart over and over again.The tears streamed down，Cas doesn't even noticed.He wish he could escape，from everything.This is too much for him.</p><p> </p><p>  “Well then.Guess I have nothing to say.”Lucifer hung up the phone.“Sorry for wasting your time，brother.”Cas says as he looks into Lucifer's eyes.“Come on Cas，don't pretend like you don't care about any of this.Being abandoned by your boyfriend must be hard for you either.”“By the way，you should be sorry cuz you did waste me a lot of time so I'm going to leave yourself here to die since no one is going to rescue you my dear.Meanwhile，I still have a war to fight.”</p><p> </p><p>Then he suddenly grab his silver and poisoned blade，stab into Castiel's chest.Castiel started to scream piercingly.He can feels the poison running through his veins.Then the prince of hell untied Castiel.“I really enjoy watching you suffer Cas.But I'm running out of time.So，I'll see you in hell darling”Then he disappears. Castiel is unable to breath，he kneels on the freezing floor，endure the pain alone（again）.Of course，he should have realize，Lucifer won't let him die easily.Hell means the eternal torture，but honestly for Cas，hell is much more better than the place with Dean Winchester.He shouldn't give faith on Dean.He shouldn't have day dreamed that there might still be a small chance that he still cares about him.Cas lies down，waiting......Waiting for death to pick him up，waiting for the eternal torture.</p><p> </p><p>  Just then，he heared an explosion. He looks around，can't believe what he sees. A strong man with dark green eyes shows up.Cas doesn't understand，Dean doesn't care about him. Maybe he is wrong？Maybe Dean just pretends he don't care？Castiel finds his wound not as painful as it used to be. Dean sees him too，“Cas！”He runs towards him.“Dean...”He can't believe he is real.“Let's get out of here”Then，the strong hunter lifts the weak angel up.Walking to the brightness.</p><p> </p><p>Castiel doesn't know how long he has been passed out. He wakes up in his own small cabin.For the first time in 5 years，he can find a purpose living in this world.He wants to see Dean. Cas wants to tell him that he is sorry，for everything （even if none of these are his fault）.Before he is panning to tell Dean he is awake，he hears two men are speaking quietly，Kevin Tran and Dean.</p><p> </p><p>  “Are you serious Dean？You can't do this to him！He has been hurt enough，by you！”Cas can recognize，it's Kevin's voice.He is pissed off，Cas hasn't heard anyone talking to Dean like that for years.No one dares to.“That bloody angel is useless！Everything is his fault！And now we finally have a chance to make things correct！So whether you agree with me or not，I'm going to it. I'm not asking for your permission Kevin，if you wanna live，stay the hell away from this，I will take care of this whole thing alone and do the freaking spell.If you wanna help me，come here at 6 am tomorrow.He dies，no matter what.”Dean argues back. Cas hears footsteps，they have left.</p><p>     <br/>“Spell....”Castiel says with an ironic smile. At that moment，Cas desperately wants to kill him，the man that he once swears to protect with his life.“Lord，is this punishment？”He can't help asking.Castiel feels dizzy，he could have escape，at least give it a shot.But he didn't.Castiel runs to Kevin's cabin.He needs to figure it out，maybe.....Dean has his reason？As he runs，his wound dehisce，it probably has become inflamed，but the angel hasn't even noticed.</p><p> </p><p>As he finally get to the prophet's ，he nearly faints.“Jesus Christ Cas？？？”The young prophet is terrified.“Does Dean know you are here？！”“No，He....”Before he finish，he starts to cough violently till the blood coughed out from his throat，Castiel kneels down，use his arm to support his body.“The spell....”After he is able to control his breath，he asks.“What....What spell？”“Don't lie to me Kevin please”Kevin looks into the angel's eyes，they used to be full of brightness，but now,only desperate and darkness.“There is a spell that can bring us to another world.I mean,non—apocalyptic world.But....We can't get one ingredient，wich is a fallen angel's heart.Get Lucifer's heart is not gonna happen we all know that，but only you.”  Kevin bowed his head and could not bear to look at the angel's eyes.<br/>Castiel feels like the whole world is spinning. Dean could have just ask him.It's unfair，everything is unfair.Why he has to be the one who is always responsible for the mistakes？Why he has to be the one who sacrifices？Even now if Dean asks，he will rip his heart out and kneel down hand it to him.He couldn't take it anymore，he can't do this to himself.He grabs an angel blade from Kevin's desk.</p><p> </p><p>“Cas what....What are you doing？Put the blade down”The prophet is once again，terrified.“I'm not going to hurt you Kevin.I'm going to end this，all of this.”He says in a surprisingly calm voice.Castiel walks to Dean's cabin.People looks him，terrified.Cas is not even sure what is he doing himself.He said he wants to end it，he really meant it.No matter what happens，he and Dean，one of them is bound to die today.</p><p> </p><p>There is a guardian in front of Dean's cabin.“Step away Benny I don't want to hurt you.”The angel says to the strong man.“What do you want？”“I want to find Dean.It's important”“Oh really？Give you an advice man，never consifer yourself as some big shot cause you are not.”Benny mocked.</p><p> </p><p>“It's ok Benny，I can handle this.”A familiar voice comes out from the cabin.“Dean....”Castiel whispers.Benny leaves.“I've heard you are looking for me Cas，what's the matter？”He says with a dismissive face.“I know about the spell Dean.”Castiel says，trying not to makes his voice sounds shaky.“Well then，let's not make this so complicated.I'll give you a quick death，that's the biggest mercy for you”Castiel doesn't answer，instead，he takes his angel blade out of his pocket.“Are you joking？”“Do you see me laughing？”Cas answers quickly，he learns this sentence from the hunter.<br/>“Cas，you are a human now，and you are injured，how can you possibly beat me？Give yourself a break，man.”“Since it's like what you said，then our great leader has no reason to be afraid，doesn't him？”“Ok，if that's what you want”He mocks again.Dean hasn't bring any guns or knives.</p><p>Castiel tries to use his angel blade to stab Dean Winchester，but as the hunter who have been fighting with monsters for years，he easily dodge the attack.Then Dean suddenly hits Cas on the left side of his face，before the ex—angel could hide，his left face already lose conscious.Dean takes the advantage of the vagueness of Castiel's consciousness to hits him on the bridge of the nose.Blood stream down from his face. But the cruel hunter doesn't even give the delicate angel some time to breath，he drags his former friend to him and kicks Castiel into his stomache extremely hard with his knee，the old wound torns open again，Cas cries out in pain.The angel blade drops down to the ground，Castiel also fells down in front of the hunter，he gasps in pain.But this isn't enough for Dean Winchester，he uses his feet to kick the ex—angel again and again.Castiel's whole body is covered in blood，lying on the freezing ground helplessly.He can't help himself shaking and starts to moan because of the terrible aches.He tries to use his hands to cover the wound from excessive lose of blood.“I gave you a chance before Cas.This is your choice.”Dean walks to the dying angel，he fells on one knee，checking his breath， see if the ex—angel is still living or not.But the dying angel suddenly use the angel blade to stab the unguardedly hunter's leg.The strong hunter is at lost because of being too surprised and painful，he watches the angel stands up as fast as he can and put the angel blade on Dean's neck.</p><p> </p><p>Castiel gasps more vigorously this time.That sequence of movements undoubtedly aggravated his old and new wounds.Though he is in the ascendant，his ocean eyes are full of pain.“Alright，I have to admit you never failed to amaze me. ”When the hunter realize what just happened，he looks up at the angel and say.The ex—angel doesn't respond.“Do it.Kill me”The hunter says without emotion.Cas knows，Dean Winchester is not afraid of death.“Kill him Castiel”Cas whispers to himself.But he is shaking，he looks at the hunter，he has beautiful eyes.All the beautiful memories come out from his mind，he can't....He can't hurt him.“Kill me you coward！”Dean yells.Castiel's heart hurts like hell，he closes his eyes，tears streamed down.</p><p>Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious pr boastful or arrogant or rude.....</p><p>“If that's what you want Dean”He smiles.Dean hasn't seen this face before.His angel is so broken，sadness is in his deep blue eyes.Castiel pulls Dean up，he points the handle of the blade at Dean and the blade at himself.Dean is shocked，he doesn't what trick is Castiel playing. The hunter hesitantly picks up the knife.Cas takes Dean's  hand and stabbed himself with the blade.“I love you Dean”As the the knife is stabbing deeper and deeper，he says in a broken voice.The angel's breath grows weaker and weaker，Dean feels his heart is broken with Cas's too.He hasn't feel something for a long time，he even thought maybe someone took his soul.The hunter's hand starts to shake.Castiel closes his eyes，he tries not to scream.Castiel takes his heart out from his body，and hand it to Dean.Surprisingly，he can't feel anything at all.</p><p>“Do you regret？”A voice asks.Castiel turns his body back. Death is here picking him up，which means he is already died.He looks back，his body is laying in front of Dean Winchester.“Well no，I don't think so”He smiles.The angel and Death watch Dean Winchester put his heart in a  wooden bowl，and he does a spell，a golden crack appeared in the sky，he knows he made it，but what about the cost？All the people who survived from this war come over，they can't wait to walk into the golden heart.After the young prophet is gone，Dean glanced wistfully at the body for the last time，and walk into the brightness.</p><p>“Please live a happy life for me Dean.”Castiel says，feels a sense of relief.“Shall we？”The death asks.“Sure”And walk into the infinity darkness.</p><p> </p><p>Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. I t bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never end.</p><p> </p><p>The End~</p><p> </p><p>Thanks for ignoring my spelling and grammar mistakes lol xxx</p><p>My Twitter account：Avril1128_</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>